Matchmaking, explained
How Matchmaking Works: What a Matchmaker Does, Step by Step
A matchmaker interviews you, agrees what you want in a partner, searches a database and recruits people who fit, screens them, and introduces you after you approve each match. After every date you give feedback and the search adjusts. Most firms sell a fixed period, from six months to two years, and some promise a set number of introductions.
If you are new to the idea, start with what matchmaking means. This guide is about the process: what happens after you sign, built from the published descriptions and client terms of Tawkify, LUMA, Selective Search, Kelleher International, Three Day Rule, It's Just Lunch and NYCity Matchmaking, and from what we see working with a New York matchmaker every day.
What does a matchmaker do?
A matchmaker finds and vets potential partners for a paying client. They interview you in depth, search and recruit people who fit, screen each one in person or on video, arrange the introduction, and collect feedback from both of you after every date. Unlike an app, a person makes each choice and stands behind it.
The job, in six duties:
- Interview you about your goals, life and the partner you want.
- Search and recruit in the firm's pool and beyond it.
- Screen every candidate before you hear about them.
- Introduce you, usually setting up the first date.
- Collect feedback from both people after each date.
- Coach you on photos, profile and dating habits, at many firms.
What are the six steps of matchmaking?
Firms name the steps differently, but they describe the same stages. LUMA lists consultation, assessment and criteria, search, introduction and feedback. Selective Search names six steps; It's Just Lunch publishes six too.
| Step | What happens | Typical length | What firms say |
|---|---|---|---|
| 1. Consultation | You and the firm decide whether to work together; the price is usually set here | 45–60 minutes, often after a short call | Kelleher offers a "custom membership" at the consultation |
| 2. Intake interview | A long interview and questionnaire about you and the partner you want | About an hour (Tawkify); a 15-page questionnaire (Selective Search) | "Deep-dive into values, deal-breakers, and lifestyle." (Kelleher) |
| 3. Search and recruiting | The matchmaker searches the firm's pool and recruits people who fit | Weeks; first matches "within weeks" (Selective Search) | "a thorough 6-month search for the ideal match" (LUMA) |
| 4. Screening | Each candidate is interviewed and checked before you hear about them | Not published | "conduct personal interviews to screen each potential introduction" (Selective Search) |
| 5. Introduction and first date | You approve the match; the firm often sets up the date | About one match a month (Tawkify) | "Clients have final approval on every introduction" (Kelleher) |
| 6. Feedback and adjusting | Both people report back and the next search changes | Form the day after, closed within 72 hours (Tawkify) | Kelleher requires feedback before the next introduction |
1. Consultation
The first meeting runs 45–60 minutes at Tawkify, often after a short screening call. You learn how the firm works, and it decides whether it can help you. Kelleher offers a "custom membership" at this meeting, and NYCity Matchmaking sets its price here too, so come with your budget and your questions.
2. Intake interview and questionnaire
Tawkify's onboarding call lasts about an hour. Selective Search has used a 15-page questionnaire. Kelleher describes its interview as a "Deep-dive into values, deal-breakers, and lifestyle." Expect questions from your goals to your childhood and family; we list 30 of them below.
3. Search and recruiting
The matchmaker searches the firm's pool and, at most firms, recruits beyond it. LUMA says its matchmaker interviews at least 50 candidates during a 6-month search. Where those candidates come from matters more than most clients realise; see the next section.
4. Screening
Selective Search says it conducts "personal interviews to screen each potential introduction." Tawkify vets matches and screens them on video. Firms also run eligibility checks: Tawkify's terms cover criminal charges, bankruptcy, marital status and criminal history, and it may ask for a government ID.
5. Introduction and the first date
At Kelleher, "Clients have final approval on every introduction." Some firms share little before the date: a Tawkify client told Business Insider there were no photos before the date, and The Bevy in New York shares neither last names nor pictures. Some firms plan the date itself: The Bevy books the venue, It's Just Lunch arranges the date, and Tawkify's line is "Relax As We Plan Everything".
6. Feedback and adjusting
Tawkify emails a feedback form the day after the date and closes feedback within 72 hours. Kelleher requires the form before it arranges the next introduction. Honest feedback is the fastest way to a better second match. Here is how our own process runs.
Where do matchmakers find candidates?
Your matches come from three pools, and most firms use all three.
Paying clients. Other clients of the firm, searching just as you are. At Tawkify, Client Members pay for a search and Matchable Members pay an annual fee to be considered.
Free members. Singles who join a database at no cost and wait to be matched with a paying client. Selective Search's candidate program is "100% complimentary – no fees to join and no fees to be matched", with contact only on a mutual fit. Three Day Rule runs a free network, NYCity Matchmaking keeps a free database, and Tawkify's Invited Members pay nothing.
Active recruiting. Three Day Rule says "we track down the best singles for you". NYCity Matchmaking writes, "We proactively recruit exceptional candidates beyond our database." Kelleher uses a Network Developer and scouts under NDA, and LUMA names five channels: databases, referrals from other matchmakers, recruiting, events and clubs, and word of mouth.
Kelleher's client terms say its pool includes "qualified persons who have both paid and not paid a fee". That is normal, but it is worth knowing. Ask every firm who your matches will be, whether they paid, and whether they were recruited for you.
The intake interview: 30 questions a matchmaker may ask you
These are grouped the way we run an intake. Published intake descriptions from Tawkify, LUMA, Kelleher and The Bevy cover the same ground. Think through your answers before the interview; the better the brief, the better the first match.
Your goals
We start here because a search for marriage and a search for a companion are different searches.
- What kind of relationship do you want: marriage, a long-term partner, or something you are still deciding?
- Do you want children, and on what timeline?
- Why are you looking now, and why with a matchmaker?
- How much time can you give to dating each month?
- What would make the next year a success for you?
The partner you want
This becomes the search brief, so we push for specifics.
- Which three qualities matter most in a partner?
- What are your deal-breakers?
- What age range, and how firm is it?
- How far will you travel for the right person?
- Which preferences could you be flexible on?
- Who have you been attracted to before, and did it work?
Your life and personality
Matching is as much about daily life as about values.
- What does a normal week look like for you?
- How do you spend a free weekend?
- How would your friends describe you?
- What matters to you about health, fitness, drinking and smoking?
- Do you have pets, or plan to?
- Where do you live, and might you move?
Past relationships and patterns
Patterns tell us which matches to avoid.
- How long was your longest relationship, and why did it end?
- What patterns from past relationships do you want to avoid?
- What have you learned from the apps?
- What has gone wrong on recent first dates?
- When did you last feel real chemistry with someone?
Values, family and money
These are the conversations couples otherwise have too late.
- What role do religion and culture play in your life?
- How close are you to your family, and how did they shape you?
- How do you think about money, spending and saving?
- Do you want a partner whose politics match yours?
Background and checks
Firms verify who you are, and you should expect the same of every match.
- Are you legally single: never married, divorced or widowed?
- Do you have children, and how is custody arranged?
- Will you show a government ID?
- Is there anything a background check would show, such as criminal charges or a bankruptcy?
Once you are meeting people, our list of questions to ask on a first date picks up where the intake ends.
What should you ask a matchmaker before you sign?
Consumer regulators in Connecticut and Ontario publish checklists for dating-service buyers. Their questions, in short:
- What does the fee cover, and what costs extra?
- Are matches guaranteed, and how many?
- How many clients actually live in your area?
- Who will see your profile and photos?
- Does the contract renew automatically?
- What is the cancellation policy?
- Are clients background-checked?
Ontario's advice ends with the most useful rule: put your requirements in the contract itself, not in a sales call.
What is in a matchmaking contract?
Most firms publish website terms but keep client contracts private. Kelleher and Tawkify publish client terms, so they appear most often below. For prices, see what matchmakers in NYC charge; for individual firms, read our reviews of national matchmaking firms.
| Term | What firms do |
|---|---|
| Length | LUMA sells a 6-month search. Selective Search contracts typically run six to 12 months. Tawkify's New York agreements run 12 months and renew automatically. Kelleher sells a one- to two-year search, with a hold of up to 12 months. |
| Payment | Kelleher's terms require payment in full at signing. Kelleher and NYCity Matchmaking set the price at the consultation. |
| Introductions | NYCity Matchmaking sells time, not a number: "We do not structure our matchmaking services around a set number of introductions." It's Just Lunch says "we guarantee our clients go out on dates". Kelleher's New York clause applies "$1,000 of the fee paid" to New York referrals and sets a minimum of six referrals a year. |
| Pauses | Tawkify allows pauses of up to three months, the number set by package; its New York terms allow a hold of up to a year (two by agreement). Kelleher allows up to 12 months. LUMA's homepage offers one pause of one month. |
| Refunds | Tawkify: "All purchases are non-refundable unless your Service Agreement explicitly states otherwise"; New York clients can cancel within three business days and are refunded within ten. Kelleher: "all fees paid to Kelleher are non-refundable". |
| Feedback duty | Kelleher requires a feedback form before the next introduction. Tawkify closes feedback within 72 hours. |
| Reviews | Kelleher's terms restrict negative reviews during membership and for five years after, unless the client first tries to resolve the issue. |
| Disputes | LUMA's website terms name AAA arbitration in Minneapolis; its client contracts are separate. Three Day Rule's and It's Just Lunch's membership contracts are not public. |
New York's rules for dating-service contracts
New York regulates every paid matching service under General Business Law § 394-c (revision of August 1, 2025). In plain language, the law:
- caps the cash price at $1,000 and the term at two years, with an exception for online services with terms of a year or less;
- requires a set number of referrals per month in contracts over $25;
- offers a refund option after two months without referrals, with the seller keeping the greater of 15% or a pro-rata share;
- allows you to put the membership on hold for up to one year;
- lets you cancel without a fee within three business days, with the refund due within ten business days;
- requires a written "Dating Service Consumer Bill of Rights", the travel distance for referrals and a relocation policy;
- requires your data to be returned or deleted at the end.
In Doe v. Great Expectations (NYC Civil Court, October 31, 2005), the court held that a service promising no monthly number of referrals "may charge no more than twenty-five dollars". The Attorney General enforces the law, with penalties of up to $1,000 per violation; its consumer help line is (800) 771-7755. This is not legal advice; the law's full text is linked above.
How long does matchmaking take?
Selective Search says first matches come "within weeks" of onboarding. Tawkify clients get about one match a month. LUMA sells a 6-month search, and Kelleher's searches run one to two years. Plan on at least six months, and ask how many introductions to expect in the first three.
How do you choose a matchmaker?
Check six things before you pay:
- public reviews, with how many there are (start with our firm reviews);
- a written price and term;
- the number of introductions, or the length of the search;
- cancellation and pause terms;
- who your matchmaker will be;
- where your candidates come from.
Walk away at these red flags: pressure to sign on the same day; billing that continues after you cancel, a pattern the BBB warns about; a request to pay by gift card, Zelle, Cash App or crypto, which Tawkify's own terms say it never asks for; and a firm that will not put the number of referrals in writing, which New York law requires. A former franchise matchmaker has described weak matches made to meet date quotas, so ask how your matchmaker is measured. Compare the matchmakers in New York we rate.
Frequently asked questions
How does matchmaking work in dating?
A matchmaker interviews you, writes a search brief, searches a pool of paying clients and free members, recruits people who fit, screens them and introduces you once you approve. After each date you both give feedback and the search adjusts. Most firms sell a fixed term, from six months to two years.
What does a matchmaker do?
A matchmaker finds and vets potential partners for a client. The job covers the intake interview, searching and recruiting, screening each candidate in person or on video, arranging introductions, collecting feedback after every date and, at many firms, coaching on photos, profiles and dating habits.
What questions does a matchmaker ask?
Expect questions about your goals (marriage, children, timeline), the partner you want and your deal-breakers, your daily life and personality, past relationships and the patterns you want to avoid, values, family and money, and background details such as marital status and ID.
How long does matchmaking take?
It depends on the firm. Selective Search says first matches come within weeks. Tawkify clients get about one match a month. LUMA sells a 6-month search, and Kelleher's searches run one to two years. Ask how many introductions to expect in the first three months.
Can I cancel a matchmaking contract in New York?
Yes. Under New York General Business Law § 394-c, you can cancel a dating-service contract without a fee within three business days, and the refund is due within ten business days. Later cancellation depends on the contract and on the law's refund rules for months without referrals.
Is it worth using a matchmaker?
It is worth it when you want a vetted search, are ready to give it time, and the written terms fit your budget. We weigh the cost against apps and coaching in our guide on whether a matchmaker is worth it.
How much does a matchmaker make?
Pay varies widely by firm and by whether the matchmaker owns the business or works on staff. Our guide to becoming one covers how matchmakers are trained and paid.