Relationship Non-Negotiables: 30 Examples and How to Set Yours

What are non-negotiables in a relationship?

Non-negotiable means not open to negotiation. In dating, a non-negotiable is a requirement you need met before you can choose a relationship. You can discuss what the requirement means, but you cannot bargain away the underlying need and still be comfortable with your choice.

If someone asks, “What's your non-negotiable?” answer with a condition for your own participation: “I want a partner who wants children.” That statement gives both people information. It does not require the other person to change their plans.

Non-negotiables vs preferences vs dealbreakers

A non-negotiable names what must be present. A dealbreaker names something that ends your interest once you discover it. A preference describes something you would enjoy but could live without. The same issue can be expressed as a need or as a reason to leave.

Needs vs wants in a relationship becomes clearer when you picture ordinary life. Wanting time outdoors might matter deeply; requiring a partner to share your particular hiking hobby might not. Ask whether you need participation, support, or simply room to pursue the interest yourself.

Jonason and colleagues’ 2015 research found that people weighed dealbreakers more negatively than they weighed dealmakers positively. Dealbreakers carried more weight in long-term contexts. That helps explain why one clear incompatibility can outweigh several appealing qualities.

30 examples of relationship non-negotiables

Use this list as a menu, not a demand that one person meet all 30. Some examples describe basic treatment; others depend entirely on the future you want. Choose the few that pass your three tests.

Character and values

1. Honesty: Tells the truth about matters that affect your choices.
2. Kindness: Treats you and other people with consideration.
3. Keeps promises: Follows through or explains a changed commitment.
4. Respects boundaries: Accepts your limits without repeated pressure.
5. Takes responsibility: Acknowledges mistakes and makes a repair.
6. No contempt: Disagrees without belittling or humiliating you.

For a closer look at behavior, read our guide to qualities of a good man.

How the relationship works

7. Monogamy or agreed openness: Shares and honors your relationship agreement.
8. Communicates in conflict: Returns to hard conversations after cooling down.
9. Makes time: Has room for a relationship in everyday life.
10. Affection: Shares a comfortable way of giving and receiving affection.
11. Independence: Supports friendships, interests and time apart.
12. Marriage intentions: Shares your wish to marry or remain unmarried.
13. Sexual communication: Can discuss consent, comfort and sexual needs respectfully.
14. Privacy: Agrees on what stays private between partners.

Children and family

15. Children: Wants or does not want children in line with your plans.
16. Extended family: Can agree on relatives’ role in shared life.
17. Parenting approach: Can discuss how you would raise children.

Pew Research Center found that 47% of U.S. adults under 50 without children said in 2023 they were unlikely ever to have them, up from 37% in 2018. Raise this life-plan question early. Our marriage-minded dating guide and marriage-minded dating advice for finding a wife explore commitment further.

Money

18. Spending and saving: Can build a workable approach to everyday money.
19. Debt honesty: Discloses obligations that affect shared plans.
20. Shared decisions: Includes you in financial choices that affect both people.

In a study of 4,574 couples, financial disagreements were the strongest type of disagreement predicting divorce. Discuss how decisions get made, beyond comparing income.

Faith and politics

21. Faith: Shares your religion or genuinely respects your practice.
22. Political values: Has values you can live alongside respectfully.

Alford and colleagues reported spouse correlations of .71 for church attendance and .65 for political attitudes, compared with below .1 for neuroticism and extraversion. Similarity is not a requirement: Pew reported that 39% of Americans married since 2010 had a spouse in a different religious group. If shared Jewish life is central to your search, explore our Jewish matchmaker in NYC.

Lifestyle and health

23. Substance use: Has an approach to alcohol or drugs you can live with.
24. Smoking: Has smoking habits compatible with your home and life.
25. Where to live: Wants a home base compatible with yours.
26. Pets: Can agree on living with animals.
27. Work hours: Has a schedule that leaves space for shared life.
28. Mutual care: Is willing to discuss support during illness or difficulty.
29. Daily routines: Can share a home with compatible rest and activity habits.
30. Health conversations: Can discuss sexual health and practical precautions openly.

The most common dealbreakers, according to research

Relationship dealbreakers are traits, circumstances or behaviors that make you stop considering someone as a partner. They can involve safety, trust, availability or incompatible goals. A dealbreaker identifies a reason you would leave, even when other parts of the connection appeal to you.

In Jonason and colleagues’ Study 2, 285 U.S. undergraduates ranked these top ten long-term dealbreakers, in order, as presented in the author’s research slides:

1. Anger issues or abusive behavior.
2. Dating multiple partners.
3. Untrustworthy.
4. Already in a relationship or married.
5. Health issues such as STDs.
6. Alcohol or drug problem.
7. Inattentive or uncaring.
8. Dismissive of my interests.
9. Poor hygiene.
10. Smells bad.

These are participants’ reported judgments, not recommendations or a verdict on anyone's worth. The ranking comes from undergraduates, not the nationally representative sample.

A University of Florida research summary described seven themes: unattractiveness, unhealthy lifestyle, undesirable personality traits, differing religious beliefs, limited social status, differing mating psychology and differing relationship goals. A 2023 re-analysis reported by Psychology Today grouped responses into six factors labeled gross, addicted, clingy, promiscuous, apathetic and unmotivated.

Separately, Psychology Today’s secondary account of a nationally representative Singles in America sample reported an average of six chosen dealbreakers. An average describes respondents; it does not prescribe the length of your list.

How to set your non-negotiables: a matchmaker's intake exercise

Start with your own requirements before evaluating a particular date. This intake exercise turns a wish list into a useful search brief.

1. Write every requirement. Include practical needs, hopes and preferences without sorting them yet.
2. Cross out appearance and status filters. Remove looks, height and income brackets unless you can explain how the requirement truly shapes your shared life.
3. Run the three tests. Would you end an otherwise good relationship over it? Does it shape daily life or your future? Can you explain it in one sentence?
4. Keep three to five. Combine overlapping items and move nice-to-haves to a separate preferences list.
5. Make each item observable. Write why it matters and what you could learn by date three. Early conversations establish direction; consistent behavior takes longer to assess.
6. Revisit after three months of dating. Check whether experience clarifies the need or reveals that a supposed requirement was only a preference.

There is a reason to leave room for discovery. In Eastwick and Finkel’s study of 163 speed daters, stated ideal-partner preferences did not predict actual desire at the event. In Match’s 2026 Singles in America release, 46% of singles who kept a checklist reported falling for someone outside it.

Copy or print the worksheet below. Write questions that invite an answer, rather than questions designed to persuade someone. “Do you want children?” is more useful than explaining why they should.

If you keep asking am I too picky?, compare what you need with what you merely pictured. Read how matchmaking works to see how the intake exercise guides introductions.

How many non-negotiables should you have?

Our matchmaker's guideline is three to five. That is a practical opinion, not a research-established ideal. Keep the list short enough to remember and specific enough to guide a decision when you like someone.

Each additional filter narrows the pool. Use the dating standards calculator to explore the effect of your criteria in NYC. Keep room to notice how someone treats you when a profile does not look exactly as you imagined.

5 non-negotiables backed by research

For five research-informed areas to discuss, consider commitment, appreciation, sexual satisfaction, partner satisfaction and conflict. Across 43 studies involving 11,196 couples, Joel and colleagues identified perceived partner commitment, appreciation, sexual satisfaction, perceived partner satisfaction and conflict as the strongest predictors of relationship quality.

Those findings concern relationship quality, rather than a validated checklist for screening strangers. Translate them into conversations: What does commitment mean to you? How do you express appreciation? Can we discuss intimacy? Do we both feel good about the relationship? How do we handle conflict? You learn the answers through shared experience.

When to bring up non-negotiables while dating

Our advice is to discuss life-plan items by date three: children, faith, monogamy and where you want to live. You do not need a complete future plan at that point. You need to know whether your directions are compatible enough to continue.

Try: “I'm looking for something long-term and I want kids someday. Where are you on that?” State your own position first, then listen. If the answer is uncertain, ask what that uncertainty means rather than translating it into the answer you want.

In Pew’s 2019 data on daters who found dating hard, 53% named finding someone who wanted the same type of relationship as a difficulty. An early conversation gives you information before you build plans around an assumption.

Values need weeks of observation. Someone can say they respect boundaries on a first date; you still need to see how they respond to a limit. Look for consistency between the conversation and the way you spend time together.

Spread the questions across natural conversations. Ask about a future home while discussing city life, or about work hours when arranging a date. Share your answers too. Our guides on how to get a girlfriend and how to get a boyfriend explain how clear intentions fit into getting to know someone.

Green flags and red flags that test your list

Use your list to compare what a date says with what happens over time: following through on plans can support your need for reliability, while repeatedly pushing a stated boundary gives you information about whether that need is met. Our guide to green flags and red flags explains how to notice those patterns as you get to know someone, so you can make decisions based on behavior as well as answers.